Notes on the One Year anniversary of my son’s death

Alexanderetc
3 min readNov 4, 2021

I am writing this to anyone who has experienced the loss of a child.

This month it will be one year since my son’s death.

I have been traveling the journey (such a hackneyed term but can’t think of another) of the loss of a child for the last year. 11 months and 4 days so far.

So as the date of my son’s death approached I wasn’t sure what was going to happen to me emotionally; if there was going to be reckoning based on the fact that I was approaching an anniversary of sorts. I mean, does a certain day make a difference in a constant process of dealing with loss?

For me, experiencing emotions is something that happens in my body as well as my mind. I get a lot of pain in my body, and that pairs up with my emotions, which include anxiety, fear and sadness. I also experience paranoia, self-loathing, bouts of delusional thinking and despair. And although I have had ups and downs this year, there is no doubt that all of this is intensified as the date approaches. If everyday this year had felt the way these last weeks have felt, there is no way I could have made it.

My son was not a child, he was an adult. But he was my child. I can’t stop feeling like I failed him. In therapy I am told I need to keep boundaries, that I am not to blame, that the things that I did do to help had meaning. I am told it seems like the Universe is telling me that I need to have more boundaries to protect my own sanity. I know for myself that I…

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Alexanderetc

Historically Curious, Queer, Aging, Anglophile, World traveler, lifetime researcher with a sarcastic bent