if I don’t feel like a woman, and I know I am not a man, what am i?

Dear Everyone who reads this

I am an older queer person with a vagina. I also have pretty gigantic tits, even though I try to squish them down as much as possible. My hair, during the corona, is a sort of fuzzy mismash that i trim around the edges when it gets too crazy.

I also live as an expat which really complicates things

There is no room here for my disinterest in assuming a gender.

I often get called Senor, and I often get called Sir or Mr. in the states, and I am telling you there is nothing masculine OR feminine about me. I think that because nothing about me presents fem then I get slotted into a default “male” category. Despite the tits. Do they think I am a man but just happen to have really big tits? Maybe they think I am a really strange looking man who has unfortunately grown tits for some reason.

Anyway, all my life I have pretty much tried to run under the radar in terms of aggressively identifying with a gender. I don’t consider myself as having a gender dysphoria, I just have a gender disinterest. I have nothing to gain by masquerading as a woman, I don’t have the strength or the interest to adopt that drag, and I am terrified of being identified as a man.

This has become more of a daily issue as I have entered my 60s, and have added white hairs and wrinkles to my already impressive array of attractions. If it goes around like that with no makeup, showing all the signs of aging, it must be a man!

I was recently participating in a study about aging women and body image, and i was asked, what do you do, or do you do anything, to try to make yourself more attractive as a woman as you age? At that point I was really drawn up short, and I began to question whether or not I was even qualified to participate in a survey about older women. Because I don’t even know what that means anymore, in terms of myself. Yes I am biologically a woman. That is a fact, but I have no idea what that means past that one fact.

I am actually a Mother, and a Grandmother. I certainly feel when dealing with the kids that I need to keep my gender weirdness under wraps. I am pretty sure any discussion of this, even in passing, would be a real freak out for them, and I already am way too abnormal for my kids already. So although I make no effort to change my appearance, i do make an effort to appear oblivious to any jokes or side eye.

Sadly, there is almost no queer community where I live now. No other older dykes to have this conversation with. And now we are all trapped here as the borders are closed for the duration. I wonder if there are other “womyn”, as we used to call ourselves back in the Mary Daly, Andrea Dworkin days, who are experiencing this phenomena now.

Where are my people?

Historically Curious, Queer, Aging, Anglophile, World traveler, lifetime researcher with a sarcastic bent

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