I am an older person. I am also a techno, social media, eclectic interests geek. I am also a fat, queer old school dyke. Just setting the stage.
I have three adult children. One of them is married to a person who either personally hangs from hooks, or hangs around with people who hang themselves from hooks, not sure of the details there. anyway their relationship is of fairly recent origination, but they have a baby, a cute little bald headed baby with big ears.
I am writing this because my son has ghosted me.
I don’t think I was a particularly good mother. Some years I was definitely better than others. I had no role models other than my friends, my biological family cut me loose at 16 to roam the earth and figure out whatever on my own, and I have made a good life for myself. I loved my kids very much but I also think I was a fool during most of my life. I was never purposely cruel, is the one thing I can say in my defense.
I did offer my son a place to live for many years, we combined out space and did our best to co-exist as adults with minor regressions. In the bay area it is almost impossible for anyone to make it on their own these days.
Fast forward to the ghosting.
My son met a woman. Nothing new there, there have been many over the years, after all he is approaching 40. He desperately, and I do mean desperately, wanted a baby. That is nice too, imo.
Sadly it was all downhill after that. The woman, who may or may not hang from hooks, which has no relevance to this story really, didn’t like our family. I noticed some strange changes. My son began to assume an angelic demeanor, sitting in a refined lotus posture and beaming with an all seeing, wise and amused expression. It was like he had joined the worlds smallest cult. In this cult he is, as far as I can understand it, a spiritual being who is sadly misunderstood by his family. I am positive there is a lot of backstory on this but I don’t know it. My own thoughts are irrelevant here probably.
I started to receive many emails from the woman. Would I buy them a car? well no. Lots of free form analysis of my character.
“ This is exactly the kind of interaction I was hoping to avoid. What this means for me going forward is that I will be more guarded in my interactions with you and I will feel the need to choose my words very carefully in order to keep things very clear and simple.
I wrote to you in the hopes that we could reach a mutual understanding and level of respect. Your response, or lack there of, will directly correlate to our future interactions. I have no intentions of “cutting you off”. I simply feel I cannot trust you to operate on a level of communication, care, and compassion.
Perhaps over time, things will shift. I do certainly hope they will. I do not believe in permanence and trust that this is but temporary.”
I received this after knowing her for about 2 months.
The two of them made a special trip to visit me after I expressed a desire to attend the baby’s birth, to let me know that I was not welcome to do so. The hostility, which I did my best to ignore, was palatable.
To say it was all downhill from there sums it up.
One year later I have never seen the baby. I rely on getting pictures from other family members that they copy for me from social media. I am ghosted.
I am writing this as part of my process to accept what is and move on. I don’t accept my son’s version of me as a bad, disposable person, I am a human being with good and bad aspects. I do not have charitable thoughts about my son’s wife. I mourn my relationship with the little baby. Life is a puzzle that we spend our whole lives trying to decipher.